She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
