There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
