So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
