Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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