Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
