if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
