My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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