I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
