so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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