I murdered the dance floor call the cops
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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