tell your sister to shave her snatch
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
