im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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