he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
