Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
