And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
