dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
