I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Ladies don't puke and tell
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
