so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
