well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just want nice things and good sex
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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