i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
