this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
