Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
