i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
