My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
