Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
