i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
