What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
