I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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