I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
