Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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