he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
