Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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