I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
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...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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