Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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