you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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