you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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