The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
