I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i now understand why vodka
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
