Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
