She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
