if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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