I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
