Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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