I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up under a house in Key West
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