guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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