Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
