im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
