If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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