She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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