omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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