Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
