I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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